Rambling - 29/08/2014

For some strange reason at the moment I feel compelled to write. I have never really had a feeling like this before. Writing is so easy in the 21^st century we have computers and word processing and spell check which means even a dyslexic like me can write. But being able to write and use words well is a talent a talent I long to have. Recently I read a book called the Opposite of loneliness. The woman who wrote was born to write her stories flowed in the way droplets of rain flow down a window. Other people were also born to do certain things Sylvia Plath was a born write, Mozart was born to compose music and Picasso was born to paint. These great people found their path in life young so of course they were masters in their fields. I now finally know what I want to do I want to write. Write and travel. So help me I will teach myself to write. I have been lacking direction and I have been as clueless as Cher about what I want to do with my days weeks and years. But finally I know now at 22. When I was a child I used to live with book and I read a huge amount of fiction. For the past few years I did not realise that I lost a part of myself because of workings of the world. I feel that I have years of reading to catch on. But I will and it will be beautiful. I feel that this thought process of mine is very self-centred and about what I want to do. I feel the word want is petulant and demanding but I have no clue what other words can replace it. I crave excitement and adventures which are probably the reason I want to write .To I have the sensations and experiences I desire to have. But the more sensible logical part of my brain says that this is impractical and I should just settle in life. But I am not a settler. I may not become Xenia the warrior princess or be a queen of a Amazon tribe but I will live life to its fullest extent.    

The tortoise and the hare-19/08/2014

The morale of the story in the tortoise and was hare was that slow and steady ultimately wins the race. Recently it has occurred to me this morale is true. It has dawned on me that if I want to do well in the future I need to take my time and plan it carefully instead of jumping straight into situations. I need to teach myself to go slowly even though it takes more effort to do so. I feel that taking things slowly and as they come will improve the quality of my work. When I write or doing anything else for that matter I tend to just do it. I don’t go back and check and proof read what I have done to see if it makes sense or if I can make it better. Because that takes time and I don’t want to waste time doing something boring such as improving my work. I feel that if I take my time about what I do and say I will get along better in the future.

However although being a tortoise most of the time is good I know that I don’t want to become too meticulous about all the things I do because I want adventure and I want to take risks and have pudding before dinner. I want to be a tortoise most of the time but I need to keep in mind that sometimes being a hare can have its benefits as well.

Self respect - 30/07/2014

The days in the run up to my birthday always seem to slip by faster than normal, and this year is no different. Because in a few short days time I will officially be 22. I am not the biggest fan of birthdays because they remind me that I am another closer to death and I am not a child anymore so I can't delight in the birthday experience. But every year as my birthday draws neat I still find myself wondering what new experiences the year will hold and if it will be good or bad. I also try to set goals for the year ahead even though my planning skills are 0. So hear goes with the goal setting. 

1.) Respect myself - I went to a couple of art exhibition today. One of the exhibition  was called the human factor the pieces in the exhibition were sculptures of the human body , in various portions and presented in different ways highlighting how we are all human and we need to respect each other and the world around us. I then saw another exhibition about love which had a section on  self love. This reminded me that I need to not only love other humans but I need to love and respect myself as well and have confidence in my ability. 

2.) Self discovery and improvement - This year I want to improve myself by helping myself understand who I am by discovering what career I want to do for the rest of my life which I think I am nearly there with. 

3.) Change the world for the better- I want to have a positive impact on the world this year and however small that maybe because I don't help enough people.

4.) Really focus- I want to really focus on tasks and start carrying them out to the best of my ability because I tend change my mind and get distracted a lot. 

5.) Self expression - I want to get better at expressing myself to others both in writing and also my speech. I know for a fact I use the word like too much. So I aim stop saying like as much and learn about writing. 

I think that is enough goals to work on and maybe because I have wrote them down I will actually carry them out this time round. 

 

25/07/2014 - Sloth

In this world you have a multitude of different personalities and kinds of people, you get people who are self motivated and get up and go achieve big bright things and then you have the opposite people like me the dictionary definition of lazy.

The Oxford English dictionary defines lazy as -

1.unwilling to work or use energy.
2.showing lack of effort or care.
3.slow moving.

I feel that the first two are me in a nutshell. I am sure if the majority of the human race was an unmotivated and lazy as me then we would not have survived past the stone age, I do count myself lucky that I live in the 21st centenary as I would have not lived past my 5th birthday. I just did a quick Google search about laziness and Google informed me that people who are motivated are organised and plan out their days. This is the complete opposite of me who gets worked up about thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow let alone in a years time. I can not deal with thinking about the feature which is probably a whole other issue in its self.

I know full well that I should get my shit together and become a self motivated and fully functioning human being but I seem to have regressed back to childhood because I do not feel ready enough or papered enough to be an adult yet. I am essentially trying to press pause of my life but time waits for no man or woman.

But I do have a nice quote from a museum I went to

The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways ; the point is to change it  - Karl Marx

Lost my phone 19/07/2014

So I lost my phone and I am yet to buy a new one. This has made me feel that I am the ONLY person in the whole of the developed world who is not the owner of a mobile phone. Not being the owner of a mobile phone for the first time since I was 12 has not drastically changed the way I go about life. I feel I should be savoring every minute of not having a mobile phone but I'm still not attending to the world like I should be this is because I have my face in a book most of the time. But are there really any joys of not owning a mobile phone. I thought that with my lost phone I would get so much done I feel like I haven't done anything , then again I have gone through more books than normal but this is because I can't communicate with my friends so family time has increased 10 fold. Although I did not have the best phone in the world it did a good job of storing peoples numbers and getting texts and calls. Now I don't to worry about missing calls. The main things I have noticed about not having a mobile phone is that I don't really need one and life goes on with out one . I am also coming to respect people more for having to remember phone numbers hats to to them all. Another good thing about being phone-less is I don't have to be constantly connected to people who want to check up on me and no one can disturbed me when I want to be alone. But to top it all off not having a mobile phone has opened my eyes to how the world looks now. Everyone has there head bent and the majority of people most of the time are looking at some sort of screen on the go. People are so connected with their mobile phones I feel that babies are born with a government gift of a phone. When I do get a phone aging whenever that may be I will endeavor to leave it at home as much as possible.

29/06/2014 I don't have a title.

It turns out that searching for a job is not my thing, because I feel like its going on eternally. I did about a week of looking for employment and I have officially given up. So of course my parents won't leave me alone about getting a job now. One moment they say take it easy don't stress about finding a job then the next second bamm get a job right now or else.

This is my last summer of freedom before real grown up life begins this time next year if I'm lucky. Because there is the constant worry I will fail my exams to get into my final year at university. So its not like I have nothing hanging over my head already.

Being at home doing nothing but reading books is great my food is bought and cooked for me , I do help my mum with housework round the house because I am living in it and sometimes and I do offer to cook dinner so isn't that enough.

Essentially I just want to be left to my own devices I need very little money when I am at home I don't like buying loads of clothes because I don'y really need a lot of stuff.

I'm probably bored or depressed or something but I don't want to notice.

But the most worrying fact is I am just past caring. Because fundamentally life is not fair.

To be proactive you have to be a proactive person which I am definitely NOT, I am lazy and the sin I identify with most is sloth. Because sitting around all day is great. That is the kind of job I want to do., I don;t want to work for the man and be pushed about and given orders to. I want to be FREE.

I have been thinking a lot about moving to a commune but not a creepy one a cool one.

Its either that or by some miracle I get my degree (touch wood ) and move to New York that is my ultimate dream , which in all likelihood will never happen because I of my inactivity.

I just Googled searched UK communes I'm seriously thinking about it.

Capitalism stress me out.

I'll change my mind about it though.


   

20/06/2014-Death

Yesterday I saw The fault in our stars and it was precisely how I imagined it to be. But it also terrified me I'm supposed to get my eyes tested but watching the fault in our starts has made be worry that if I get an eye test the optician will find a brain tumor that will lead to my death. So now I convinced myself this will happen. It may be a little hypocritical, but these feelings are perfectly natural right ? Essentially if I have nothing to do I will think about my own death a lot and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. Sometimes I feel like Harry from when Harry met sally mainly because I read the last page of a book first. I don't know if thinking about my own death is normal or not and there is no way I can just book an eye test to just find out and get it out of the way.I full well know I should stop having a major panic about this but it has to be good to be papered. Moving on to the fault it our stars it was a pretentious book and the movie accentuated how pretentious it was the cigarette metaphor made me move angry in the movie than the book. But and I like with the book I did question why when they went to Amsterdam they did not get high , I mean who does that ? I know that I could not deal with cancer if I had like the teenagers in fault in our stars. , but I guess when you get sick or whatever you just deal with it like everything else in life.  I think mainly if I was or is it were to die suddenly now I would be depressed that I have spent 3 years doing a degree I hate and not what I want to do.

19/06/2014- The way of an artist

Yesterday was nothing short of terrible my Mum spent a solid 6 hours shouting at me for no apparent reason. Well I actually think the reason was I said I would not go to the dentist BUT WHO IN THE WORLD LIKES THE DENTIST ??? . No one in their right mind like going to the dentist and on top of that you have to pay money to go to the dentist and money is a thing that I lack at the moment. But my parents want me to stop neglecting my teeth so badly they offered to pay , which does not make me sing for joy. Anyway after being shouted at for a good 6 hours about not taking due care of my teeth , my mum gave me the book An Artists Way. Which is supposed to contain exercises that help to free up and enhance your creativity. The first thing that unsettled me about this book was the high frequency that the word GOD appeared. I for one am not sold on God and religion so that was my first issues with the book. My second issue with the book is that it recommends that you  write 3 PAGES of your thoughts every morning. I struggle to write a page for this blog/journal etc. How is writing 3 pages of my thoughts supposed to  help me rediscover my creative ability , I have no clue ? But then I had a light bulb moment. I that do think too much about things I shouldn't really spend so much time thinking about. So I need to stop myself drifting of  into day dreams of event that will never occur to free my mind and let me become the artist I can be. So I will attempt to follow the artists way but I feel that I can edit the content of the book to suit my needs. Because writing 3 pages of prose in the morning is unrealistic for most people so I am going to see the book as a rough guide in order to rediscover my creative ability that I lost somewhere growing up.

17/06/2014

I’m starting to write this post in Microsoft word because as usual the internet DOES NOT WORK. This is a typical occurrence in my parent’s house so I must remember to copy and paste this at some point in time. For some reason I feel like my life has been really hectic recently even though it probably hasn’t. I did a trial shift at a local café and I think it went okay (touch wood and crossing all my fingers ) so I might be employed by the end of the month.  Apart from this I have finished binge watching Game of thrones and House of Cards then I obviously started watching Orange is the new black. Because who am I kidding my life revolves around the next big thing on TV or netfilx. 

But anyway on the weekend I had to attend another awkward family gathering and to say the least the atmosphere in the room wasn't one that is of excitement that is typically associated with a person’s birthday saying that my grandpa did turn 85 so I didn't expect it to be a mega rave.  I definitely would not describe my Dad’s family as close mainly because my grandpa has the emotional range of a rock. But I do know this for a fact I do not want to end up not speaking to my sisters and brother because even though we fight like cats and dogs they are great and I won’t let the family blueprint we have come between us as fully functioning adults. 

16/06/2014- Out of the loop.

Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in the early 2000's. I don't have a smart phone and the internet connection in my parents house is terrible. I sometimes feel that the world in moving so quickly and I can't keep up. But other times I like being left behind , because it keeps me centered. Everything these days involves technology to some extent, and I know it helps to connect us and keep us together. Most of the time when I am walking down the street I see little kids with better phones than me. The internet connection in my parents house is always down and I have to re connect to it so much it feels like I still have dial up. I find this both a blessing and a curse at the same time. The awful internet connection has forced me to go out into the world and give out CV's for what feels like my never ending job hunt. But on the flip side not keeping up with the world makes me feel like I am about 1 million steps behind people of my own age and older. This has been able to give me some perspective on the matter. And this is probably an issue that I shouldn't dwell on too much.  

10/06/2014- The date today

Whats the date today ? I am already losing track of time and its only day 4 or 5 maybe of my summer holidays. When I have nothing to do I just sit around and read. I did apply for some jobs so I am trying to change my situation. Although today my mum did point out that I haven't changed my personality or grew as a person since I was a teenager and she is most probably right as always. That brings me on to say I wish I had listened to the knowledge and wisdom mu mum has tried to impart upon me. But I am trying to listen to her now. As she keeps going on about being in control of my 'mind ' and she keeps telling me to say I CAN. So thanks mum I will try and keep those points in mind. Anyway apart from the motivational speeches and the job hunting , I've been riding on trains and visiting towns owned by the monarchy (my views on them could get me arrested).

Now I still have a whole 3 months of holiday stretching out like an abyss in front of me and I only have £80 left in my bank account so I need to up grade the job search to a code red and I need to stop myself going INSANE.

   

08/06/2014- Jobs and stuff

For me it takes a while for me to adjust and settle into new surroundings. Yesterday I came back from university to be a home for the next 3 months for the summer. At the moment I am freaking the fuck out about it. When I move from university to home everything changes. When I am university I am free to come and go mostly as and when I please , but at home my parents still for some reason want to know what I am doing or where I am going. When I am at home I feel like a child not an young adult. These feelings probably come from the fact that I never had a REAL job !!!

The fact that I have never had a real job and I am nearly 22 would probably shock most people. I have had jobs but my parents have always got the job for me and I never got a job from my own merit and work ethic this is why my parents still feel they can treat me like a teenager and keep track of what I am doing and where I am going because they don't see me maturing in a PROPER fully functioning adult due to the lack of a job.

I suppose the moral from this story is GET A FREAKING JOB GIRL.

06/06/2014- I am writing a diary ???

I have never written a dairy because I have never felt I have need to keep track of my thoughts and my emotions and what goes on in my day to day life. But usually diaries are meant to private and hidden from the world and other people's eyes. For one thing I do HOPE no one reads this because I am sure they would not only find in insanely boring but they would also find  it very poorly written. Even though this is a blog which other people can read ,I do not see this blog in the same way. I see am now starting to see this blog as a dairy , log or record of my thoughts and feeling which some poor person on the internet could read. I find this blog comforting to write as it gives me something to do and a place to express the thought processes and opinions I have on a daily basis.

Also I an starting to find that is actually enjoy writing and I want to do it better and develop my writing skills. So I hope that eventually that will come across. Now I keep forgetting what I am trying to say. Ah I remember I do not want this blog to be a success  because I like doing this for myself and no one else. That is why I find myself wondering if anyone reads this ?????

05/06/2014- Self doubt.

I'm aware that the content of what I'm writing may contain a lot self doubt. We are all complex people and all experience self-doubt faltering self-esteem. I for some reason have decided to express this I guess to help me track my progress on the path of life. Also I like to look at the flaws in my personality in order to understand who I am as a person and I feel that self doubt and other negative emotions are part of who we are as people and which I assume all people experience and go through in life.

That's all folks

04/06/2014-Pictures

I'm not going to beat about the bush my life is pretty mundane I should probably do more with my days weeks and hours. But I find there are not enough hours hours in the day. For example today I worked on my dissertation proposal (lost track of time), tidied up a huge amount of stuff , played the ukulele (yes I'm still doing that - its going well so far) and then I made dinner. Defiantly not exciting. I don't pass the days by doing the same thing but sometimes I find the days can blend into each other and become a bit dry. I'm hoping at this point I don't sound like Esther form the bell jar. Because I do love my boring days in all their colour and glory and each does have a richness to it what ever I do. Anyway I'm going to attempt not to ramble and get to the point now. This morning I had a fleeting though as people do on occasions and today that though was pictures. Today in modern times we are flooded with pictures whether they are still or moving most of the content people consume is an image. I do have a healthy appreciation for both pictures and moving images but I do wonder whether people relay too much on pictures and images. While I understand that pictures and video express a whole new side of life. Imagination that reading can bring in important too . Maybe I prefer written content because I feel uncomfortable round cameras and I have never been able to see the world clearly because I  have to wear glasses. But anyway whatever the reason I have found pictures hard to comprehend, so because life is supposed to about self improvement. I am going to try and take more pictures and try to see out of myself more as well as making more memories that I can take pictures of in my mind or on a camera.

That's all folks

03/06/2014 - And shyness can stop you.

Shyness -

The western world in becoming a increasingly interconnected place through the medium of technology, and because of this people have taken to the internet in their thousands to write about their experiences of depression and social anxiety. I myself do not feel like a socially anxious person but I have felt all my life that I am shy.    

This may be because people in my environment have always told me I am shy or I may have been shy people labeled me as 'shy' which I feel has developed into a self fulfilling prophecy. But either I identity as a shy and withdrawn person.

Shyness as defined by the America Psychological Association-  " is the tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions. "

I when I am faced with new social situations I get an overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to say and how to react and I feel that I would like someone to come and tell me what to do in new social situations Although shyness may not be as sever as social anxiety or depression I feel that shyness should not be ignored and should be considered more of an issue. As perhaps being labeled and being told that you are shy at a young age does have an effect on your future personality. Maybe as an adult now I am aware of myself and how I handle social situations I should be able to change my feelings and deal with shyness better. 
This is a part of myself that I am going to have to accept and try to change as I get older and I am faced with an increasing number of new situations.  

30/05/2014

On Friday I randomly decided to get on a train and go to Birmingham for the day. This might not seem thrilling to most people but for me this was out of the ordinary. Most of the time I spend too much weighing up the pros and cons of a situation and worrying the possible outcomes of the situation. This has inspired me to make a list of things to keep in mind when I am faced with a problem. 

1.) Don't over think - I have a chronic problem of over thinking just about everything I do, this I have come to find makes the problem seem a thousand times worse than it is. 

2) Don't over analyse- Okay I suppose this relates to the previous point in a way. But it is slightly different, I tend to go over every possible outcome for situations and this leads to me  worrying about the problem more than I should do. 

3) Don't dwell on the negatives- I tend to focus on the negative parts of a problem I am faced makes me want to not deal confront the problem and run away from it. 

4) Don't stress - This is a big one for me I tend to become stressed over the smallest things on occasion and this stops me from doing things I may want to do and stops me living the fulfilled life. 

That's all for today folks. 

   

Stepping Forward

Moving on from my lack of direction post I have now decided not only to tackle one project but TWO.

TWO Challenges ! What are they I hear you say. So hear goes

Challenge 1.) Firstly I have decided to challenge myself to learn the ukulele and NOT under no circumstances give up trying which is what I tend to do. I know this is only a small thing to do but intend to stick at it.

Challenge 2.) This I feel is going to be MUCH more difficult, I am going to challenge myself to try a new experience everyday. This is because I feel that my life lacks spontaneity and adventure and I feel that I should embrace this side of myself in order to get myself going in a exciting direction.

The next test for me is whether I will be able to keep it up that is why I am going to track my progress via this blog.

That's all for today folks.

Direction.

Most people we meet in everyday life have some idea about the direction they want to go in and the path they want to take. I have none I  wing it so to speak all the time. I currently feel that my life and the projects in my life lack direction. That is why want to find a project that gives me a purpose of what I want to do , and where I go. This realization that my life lacks direction has gradually crept me on me as I recently read a newspaper article where it stated that a study had found that people who felt that their lives had meaning and where going in a known direction lived longer. So that is why I am going to think up a project that I can do that provides me with a sense of meaning and purpose and gets my life going in a chosen direction
That's all for today folks

My dyslexic experience

I have made a promise to myself to remember that I have started a blog so I will try and update it as often as possible.

Dyslexia has been a part of my life since I was about  7 years old and even before that I remember struggling with reading and writing in school. I didn't learn to read properly until I was 10 and I have always felt there is a huge gap between my peers and through out the course of my education.

When I was a child I thought having dyslexia was the most embarrassing thing in the world. So for a long time I tried to pretend that I wasn't dyslexia and didn't have a problem or need special help with my reading and writing. All through primary school I hated been taken out of class away from my peers to have help with my reading , writing and spelling.

When I got to secondary school they school initially did offer me help but I refused to have help in school. But my parents could still see that I was struggling with keeping up with my peers at school so they sent me to a tutor to help me with my spelling and reading. But I was still very embarrassed that I had to see a tutor to help me spell and read so I used to lie to my friend about where I had to be on Tuesday night after school. I stopped seeing my tutor when I finished my GCSE which I somehow passed. But I did have to work very hard just to get mostly C grade GCSE. Once I recall my English teacher being surprised that I had got a B in the English coursework as she knew that I had dyslexia and she asked me if I had done the coursework myself.

Then I started my A levels and somehow forgot that I had dyslexia and ended up getting 3 B's. Which at the time I thought was a breeze but I didn't realize how had I had worked to get the grades I did. So when I got to university and found myself struggling with all the readings and the coursework I finally stopped denying I didn't have a problem. Now at university is the first time in my life where I have come to understand that I have a problem which is not a burden. But something that I need help and support with. And is a part of who I am.

Having dyslexia is one of the reasons I have started a blog. I want to be able to clearly communicate what I am saying  via writing as recently I have been thinking of becoming a journalist when I eventually graduate form university.

That is why I hope this blog will help me in learning how to write clearly so I can improve my writing skills which I will then be able to use in my university assignments and for a future career.

I just realized I confused had for made in the first line. Because I didn't proof read my bad.

My life is pretty much like a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I still for ever make spelling and grammar mistakes on Facebook in emails and via text so I always have a fear that people won't grasp what I am trying to convay.

Hope this helps.    

I forgot I started a blog

So I forget I started a blog.
I haven't even been what you would describe as busy because I am a student who only has to attend university 12 hours a week or less. So that is no excuse. So I've pretty much been wasting my time binge watching Tv shows  ( If binge watching tv shows was an Olympic sport I would get the gold medal).
Carrying on with the Tv show theme , I have now decided that I am going give a quick review of my top 5 tv shows.
1. Breaking Bad-
Okay I know that pretty much everyone on the planet has watching this program. I don't know how people can't be sucked into the  universe of Walter White (or heisenberg ). I personally think the character development in this show is great you get to see an ordinary guy transform from a mild mannered chemistry teacher into a big shot drug lord and the highs and lows he encounters along the way.
Also just seeing a caravan makes me think could that be a meth lab ???? You never know....
2. Heroes -
Your probably thinking why mention Heroes didn't that finish in  2010. Yes , yes it did is the answer to that. But I for one was very disappointing with the ending of Heroes there was so many questions that were left unanswered for me.
But it was recently announced that there will be a Heroes Reborn starting in 2015 and I for one can not wait. 3. How I met Your mother-
I didn't know if I was going to include this or the Big Bang theory as that is pretty good too. But how I met your mother won.
This show I found was BETTER than Friends yes I said it. I love the comedy in this at first I thought they are basically ripping off Friends but how wrong I was.
Barney  Stinson is one of the best sitcom characters out there I reckon. Although I think how I met your mother is a great show that 9th season has not been brilliant but it is ending soon and I will be upset when it dose.
I would have been upset if I hadn't met Ted.
4. New Girl-
 Zooey deschanel is brilliant. I am glad I get to see her on Tv every week. Everything with New Girl just works.
Also its a bit hipster and I like it.
5. Anything by Chris Lilley
I used to secretly hate Little Britain. But then I discovered Summer Heights High and it was bloody brilliant. Chris  Lilley dose a great job of emphasizing the funniest characteristic of people and he dose it in such a convincing way I now believe that he is a 17 year old private school girl called Ja'mie.
Summer Heights High I think was his best creation as the characters in that were really memorable so I was glad that it was announced that he would be working on a show called Jonah based on one of his other Summer heights high characters.
Now he just needs to take on Mr G.

So that's all for today folks
and I will try and remember to actually update this blog.