29/06/2014 I don't have a title.

It turns out that searching for a job is not my thing, because I feel like its going on eternally. I did about a week of looking for employment and I have officially given up. So of course my parents won't leave me alone about getting a job now. One moment they say take it easy don't stress about finding a job then the next second bamm get a job right now or else.

This is my last summer of freedom before real grown up life begins this time next year if I'm lucky. Because there is the constant worry I will fail my exams to get into my final year at university. So its not like I have nothing hanging over my head already.

Being at home doing nothing but reading books is great my food is bought and cooked for me , I do help my mum with housework round the house because I am living in it and sometimes and I do offer to cook dinner so isn't that enough.

Essentially I just want to be left to my own devices I need very little money when I am at home I don't like buying loads of clothes because I don'y really need a lot of stuff.

I'm probably bored or depressed or something but I don't want to notice.

But the most worrying fact is I am just past caring. Because fundamentally life is not fair.

To be proactive you have to be a proactive person which I am definitely NOT, I am lazy and the sin I identify with most is sloth. Because sitting around all day is great. That is the kind of job I want to do., I don;t want to work for the man and be pushed about and given orders to. I want to be FREE.

I have been thinking a lot about moving to a commune but not a creepy one a cool one.

Its either that or by some miracle I get my degree (touch wood ) and move to New York that is my ultimate dream , which in all likelihood will never happen because I of my inactivity.

I just Googled searched UK communes I'm seriously thinking about it.

Capitalism stress me out.

I'll change my mind about it though.


   

20/06/2014-Death

Yesterday I saw The fault in our stars and it was precisely how I imagined it to be. But it also terrified me I'm supposed to get my eyes tested but watching the fault in our starts has made be worry that if I get an eye test the optician will find a brain tumor that will lead to my death. So now I convinced myself this will happen. It may be a little hypocritical, but these feelings are perfectly natural right ? Essentially if I have nothing to do I will think about my own death a lot and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. Sometimes I feel like Harry from when Harry met sally mainly because I read the last page of a book first. I don't know if thinking about my own death is normal or not and there is no way I can just book an eye test to just find out and get it out of the way.I full well know I should stop having a major panic about this but it has to be good to be papered. Moving on to the fault it our stars it was a pretentious book and the movie accentuated how pretentious it was the cigarette metaphor made me move angry in the movie than the book. But and I like with the book I did question why when they went to Amsterdam they did not get high , I mean who does that ? I know that I could not deal with cancer if I had like the teenagers in fault in our stars. , but I guess when you get sick or whatever you just deal with it like everything else in life.  I think mainly if I was or is it were to die suddenly now I would be depressed that I have spent 3 years doing a degree I hate and not what I want to do.

19/06/2014- The way of an artist

Yesterday was nothing short of terrible my Mum spent a solid 6 hours shouting at me for no apparent reason. Well I actually think the reason was I said I would not go to the dentist BUT WHO IN THE WORLD LIKES THE DENTIST ??? . No one in their right mind like going to the dentist and on top of that you have to pay money to go to the dentist and money is a thing that I lack at the moment. But my parents want me to stop neglecting my teeth so badly they offered to pay , which does not make me sing for joy. Anyway after being shouted at for a good 6 hours about not taking due care of my teeth , my mum gave me the book An Artists Way. Which is supposed to contain exercises that help to free up and enhance your creativity. The first thing that unsettled me about this book was the high frequency that the word GOD appeared. I for one am not sold on God and religion so that was my first issues with the book. My second issue with the book is that it recommends that you  write 3 PAGES of your thoughts every morning. I struggle to write a page for this blog/journal etc. How is writing 3 pages of my thoughts supposed to  help me rediscover my creative ability , I have no clue ? But then I had a light bulb moment. I that do think too much about things I shouldn't really spend so much time thinking about. So I need to stop myself drifting of  into day dreams of event that will never occur to free my mind and let me become the artist I can be. So I will attempt to follow the artists way but I feel that I can edit the content of the book to suit my needs. Because writing 3 pages of prose in the morning is unrealistic for most people so I am going to see the book as a rough guide in order to rediscover my creative ability that I lost somewhere growing up.

17/06/2014

I’m starting to write this post in Microsoft word because as usual the internet DOES NOT WORK. This is a typical occurrence in my parent’s house so I must remember to copy and paste this at some point in time. For some reason I feel like my life has been really hectic recently even though it probably hasn’t. I did a trial shift at a local café and I think it went okay (touch wood and crossing all my fingers ) so I might be employed by the end of the month.  Apart from this I have finished binge watching Game of thrones and House of Cards then I obviously started watching Orange is the new black. Because who am I kidding my life revolves around the next big thing on TV or netfilx. 

But anyway on the weekend I had to attend another awkward family gathering and to say the least the atmosphere in the room wasn't one that is of excitement that is typically associated with a person’s birthday saying that my grandpa did turn 85 so I didn't expect it to be a mega rave.  I definitely would not describe my Dad’s family as close mainly because my grandpa has the emotional range of a rock. But I do know this for a fact I do not want to end up not speaking to my sisters and brother because even though we fight like cats and dogs they are great and I won’t let the family blueprint we have come between us as fully functioning adults. 

16/06/2014- Out of the loop.

Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in the early 2000's. I don't have a smart phone and the internet connection in my parents house is terrible. I sometimes feel that the world in moving so quickly and I can't keep up. But other times I like being left behind , because it keeps me centered. Everything these days involves technology to some extent, and I know it helps to connect us and keep us together. Most of the time when I am walking down the street I see little kids with better phones than me. The internet connection in my parents house is always down and I have to re connect to it so much it feels like I still have dial up. I find this both a blessing and a curse at the same time. The awful internet connection has forced me to go out into the world and give out CV's for what feels like my never ending job hunt. But on the flip side not keeping up with the world makes me feel like I am about 1 million steps behind people of my own age and older. This has been able to give me some perspective on the matter. And this is probably an issue that I shouldn't dwell on too much.  

10/06/2014- The date today

Whats the date today ? I am already losing track of time and its only day 4 or 5 maybe of my summer holidays. When I have nothing to do I just sit around and read. I did apply for some jobs so I am trying to change my situation. Although today my mum did point out that I haven't changed my personality or grew as a person since I was a teenager and she is most probably right as always. That brings me on to say I wish I had listened to the knowledge and wisdom mu mum has tried to impart upon me. But I am trying to listen to her now. As she keeps going on about being in control of my 'mind ' and she keeps telling me to say I CAN. So thanks mum I will try and keep those points in mind. Anyway apart from the motivational speeches and the job hunting , I've been riding on trains and visiting towns owned by the monarchy (my views on them could get me arrested).

Now I still have a whole 3 months of holiday stretching out like an abyss in front of me and I only have £80 left in my bank account so I need to up grade the job search to a code red and I need to stop myself going INSANE.

   

08/06/2014- Jobs and stuff

For me it takes a while for me to adjust and settle into new surroundings. Yesterday I came back from university to be a home for the next 3 months for the summer. At the moment I am freaking the fuck out about it. When I move from university to home everything changes. When I am university I am free to come and go mostly as and when I please , but at home my parents still for some reason want to know what I am doing or where I am going. When I am at home I feel like a child not an young adult. These feelings probably come from the fact that I never had a REAL job !!!

The fact that I have never had a real job and I am nearly 22 would probably shock most people. I have had jobs but my parents have always got the job for me and I never got a job from my own merit and work ethic this is why my parents still feel they can treat me like a teenager and keep track of what I am doing and where I am going because they don't see me maturing in a PROPER fully functioning adult due to the lack of a job.

I suppose the moral from this story is GET A FREAKING JOB GIRL.

06/06/2014- I am writing a diary ???

I have never written a dairy because I have never felt I have need to keep track of my thoughts and my emotions and what goes on in my day to day life. But usually diaries are meant to private and hidden from the world and other people's eyes. For one thing I do HOPE no one reads this because I am sure they would not only find in insanely boring but they would also find  it very poorly written. Even though this is a blog which other people can read ,I do not see this blog in the same way. I see am now starting to see this blog as a dairy , log or record of my thoughts and feeling which some poor person on the internet could read. I find this blog comforting to write as it gives me something to do and a place to express the thought processes and opinions I have on a daily basis.

Also I an starting to find that is actually enjoy writing and I want to do it better and develop my writing skills. So I hope that eventually that will come across. Now I keep forgetting what I am trying to say. Ah I remember I do not want this blog to be a success  because I like doing this for myself and no one else. That is why I find myself wondering if anyone reads this ?????

05/06/2014- Self doubt.

I'm aware that the content of what I'm writing may contain a lot self doubt. We are all complex people and all experience self-doubt faltering self-esteem. I for some reason have decided to express this I guess to help me track my progress on the path of life. Also I like to look at the flaws in my personality in order to understand who I am as a person and I feel that self doubt and other negative emotions are part of who we are as people and which I assume all people experience and go through in life.

That's all folks

04/06/2014-Pictures

I'm not going to beat about the bush my life is pretty mundane I should probably do more with my days weeks and hours. But I find there are not enough hours hours in the day. For example today I worked on my dissertation proposal (lost track of time), tidied up a huge amount of stuff , played the ukulele (yes I'm still doing that - its going well so far) and then I made dinner. Defiantly not exciting. I don't pass the days by doing the same thing but sometimes I find the days can blend into each other and become a bit dry. I'm hoping at this point I don't sound like Esther form the bell jar. Because I do love my boring days in all their colour and glory and each does have a richness to it what ever I do. Anyway I'm going to attempt not to ramble and get to the point now. This morning I had a fleeting though as people do on occasions and today that though was pictures. Today in modern times we are flooded with pictures whether they are still or moving most of the content people consume is an image. I do have a healthy appreciation for both pictures and moving images but I do wonder whether people relay too much on pictures and images. While I understand that pictures and video express a whole new side of life. Imagination that reading can bring in important too . Maybe I prefer written content because I feel uncomfortable round cameras and I have never been able to see the world clearly because I  have to wear glasses. But anyway whatever the reason I have found pictures hard to comprehend, so because life is supposed to about self improvement. I am going to try and take more pictures and try to see out of myself more as well as making more memories that I can take pictures of in my mind or on a camera.

That's all folks

03/06/2014 - And shyness can stop you.

Shyness -

The western world in becoming a increasingly interconnected place through the medium of technology, and because of this people have taken to the internet in their thousands to write about their experiences of depression and social anxiety. I myself do not feel like a socially anxious person but I have felt all my life that I am shy.    

This may be because people in my environment have always told me I am shy or I may have been shy people labeled me as 'shy' which I feel has developed into a self fulfilling prophecy. But either I identity as a shy and withdrawn person.

Shyness as defined by the America Psychological Association-  " is the tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions. "

I when I am faced with new social situations I get an overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to say and how to react and I feel that I would like someone to come and tell me what to do in new social situations Although shyness may not be as sever as social anxiety or depression I feel that shyness should not be ignored and should be considered more of an issue. As perhaps being labeled and being told that you are shy at a young age does have an effect on your future personality. Maybe as an adult now I am aware of myself and how I handle social situations I should be able to change my feelings and deal with shyness better. 
This is a part of myself that I am going to have to accept and try to change as I get older and I am faced with an increasing number of new situations.  

30/05/2014

On Friday I randomly decided to get on a train and go to Birmingham for the day. This might not seem thrilling to most people but for me this was out of the ordinary. Most of the time I spend too much weighing up the pros and cons of a situation and worrying the possible outcomes of the situation. This has inspired me to make a list of things to keep in mind when I am faced with a problem. 

1.) Don't over think - I have a chronic problem of over thinking just about everything I do, this I have come to find makes the problem seem a thousand times worse than it is. 

2) Don't over analyse- Okay I suppose this relates to the previous point in a way. But it is slightly different, I tend to go over every possible outcome for situations and this leads to me  worrying about the problem more than I should do. 

3) Don't dwell on the negatives- I tend to focus on the negative parts of a problem I am faced makes me want to not deal confront the problem and run away from it. 

4) Don't stress - This is a big one for me I tend to become stressed over the smallest things on occasion and this stops me from doing things I may want to do and stops me living the fulfilled life. 

That's all for today folks. 

   

Stepping Forward

Moving on from my lack of direction post I have now decided not only to tackle one project but TWO.

TWO Challenges ! What are they I hear you say. So hear goes

Challenge 1.) Firstly I have decided to challenge myself to learn the ukulele and NOT under no circumstances give up trying which is what I tend to do. I know this is only a small thing to do but intend to stick at it.

Challenge 2.) This I feel is going to be MUCH more difficult, I am going to challenge myself to try a new experience everyday. This is because I feel that my life lacks spontaneity and adventure and I feel that I should embrace this side of myself in order to get myself going in a exciting direction.

The next test for me is whether I will be able to keep it up that is why I am going to track my progress via this blog.

That's all for today folks.