Self respect - 30/07/2014

The days in the run up to my birthday always seem to slip by faster than normal, and this year is no different. Because in a few short days time I will officially be 22. I am not the biggest fan of birthdays because they remind me that I am another closer to death and I am not a child anymore so I can't delight in the birthday experience. But every year as my birthday draws neat I still find myself wondering what new experiences the year will hold and if it will be good or bad. I also try to set goals for the year ahead even though my planning skills are 0. So hear goes with the goal setting. 

1.) Respect myself - I went to a couple of art exhibition today. One of the exhibition  was called the human factor the pieces in the exhibition were sculptures of the human body , in various portions and presented in different ways highlighting how we are all human and we need to respect each other and the world around us. I then saw another exhibition about love which had a section on  self love. This reminded me that I need to not only love other humans but I need to love and respect myself as well and have confidence in my ability. 

2.) Self discovery and improvement - This year I want to improve myself by helping myself understand who I am by discovering what career I want to do for the rest of my life which I think I am nearly there with. 

3.) Change the world for the better- I want to have a positive impact on the world this year and however small that maybe because I don't help enough people.

4.) Really focus- I want to really focus on tasks and start carrying them out to the best of my ability because I tend change my mind and get distracted a lot. 

5.) Self expression - I want to get better at expressing myself to others both in writing and also my speech. I know for a fact I use the word like too much. So I aim stop saying like as much and learn about writing. 

I think that is enough goals to work on and maybe because I have wrote them down I will actually carry them out this time round. 

 

25/07/2014 - Sloth

In this world you have a multitude of different personalities and kinds of people, you get people who are self motivated and get up and go achieve big bright things and then you have the opposite people like me the dictionary definition of lazy.

The Oxford English dictionary defines lazy as -

1.unwilling to work or use energy.
2.showing lack of effort or care.
3.slow moving.

I feel that the first two are me in a nutshell. I am sure if the majority of the human race was an unmotivated and lazy as me then we would not have survived past the stone age, I do count myself lucky that I live in the 21st centenary as I would have not lived past my 5th birthday. I just did a quick Google search about laziness and Google informed me that people who are motivated are organised and plan out their days. This is the complete opposite of me who gets worked up about thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow let alone in a years time. I can not deal with thinking about the feature which is probably a whole other issue in its self.

I know full well that I should get my shit together and become a self motivated and fully functioning human being but I seem to have regressed back to childhood because I do not feel ready enough or papered enough to be an adult yet. I am essentially trying to press pause of my life but time waits for no man or woman.

But I do have a nice quote from a museum I went to

The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways ; the point is to change it  - Karl Marx

Lost my phone 19/07/2014

So I lost my phone and I am yet to buy a new one. This has made me feel that I am the ONLY person in the whole of the developed world who is not the owner of a mobile phone. Not being the owner of a mobile phone for the first time since I was 12 has not drastically changed the way I go about life. I feel I should be savoring every minute of not having a mobile phone but I'm still not attending to the world like I should be this is because I have my face in a book most of the time. But are there really any joys of not owning a mobile phone. I thought that with my lost phone I would get so much done I feel like I haven't done anything , then again I have gone through more books than normal but this is because I can't communicate with my friends so family time has increased 10 fold. Although I did not have the best phone in the world it did a good job of storing peoples numbers and getting texts and calls. Now I don't to worry about missing calls. The main things I have noticed about not having a mobile phone is that I don't really need one and life goes on with out one . I am also coming to respect people more for having to remember phone numbers hats to to them all. Another good thing about being phone-less is I don't have to be constantly connected to people who want to check up on me and no one can disturbed me when I want to be alone. But to top it all off not having a mobile phone has opened my eyes to how the world looks now. Everyone has there head bent and the majority of people most of the time are looking at some sort of screen on the go. People are so connected with their mobile phones I feel that babies are born with a government gift of a phone. When I do get a phone aging whenever that may be I will endeavor to leave it at home as much as possible.

29/06/2014 I don't have a title.

It turns out that searching for a job is not my thing, because I feel like its going on eternally. I did about a week of looking for employment and I have officially given up. So of course my parents won't leave me alone about getting a job now. One moment they say take it easy don't stress about finding a job then the next second bamm get a job right now or else.

This is my last summer of freedom before real grown up life begins this time next year if I'm lucky. Because there is the constant worry I will fail my exams to get into my final year at university. So its not like I have nothing hanging over my head already.

Being at home doing nothing but reading books is great my food is bought and cooked for me , I do help my mum with housework round the house because I am living in it and sometimes and I do offer to cook dinner so isn't that enough.

Essentially I just want to be left to my own devices I need very little money when I am at home I don't like buying loads of clothes because I don'y really need a lot of stuff.

I'm probably bored or depressed or something but I don't want to notice.

But the most worrying fact is I am just past caring. Because fundamentally life is not fair.

To be proactive you have to be a proactive person which I am definitely NOT, I am lazy and the sin I identify with most is sloth. Because sitting around all day is great. That is the kind of job I want to do., I don;t want to work for the man and be pushed about and given orders to. I want to be FREE.

I have been thinking a lot about moving to a commune but not a creepy one a cool one.

Its either that or by some miracle I get my degree (touch wood ) and move to New York that is my ultimate dream , which in all likelihood will never happen because I of my inactivity.

I just Googled searched UK communes I'm seriously thinking about it.

Capitalism stress me out.

I'll change my mind about it though.


   

20/06/2014-Death

Yesterday I saw The fault in our stars and it was precisely how I imagined it to be. But it also terrified me I'm supposed to get my eyes tested but watching the fault in our starts has made be worry that if I get an eye test the optician will find a brain tumor that will lead to my death. So now I convinced myself this will happen. It may be a little hypocritical, but these feelings are perfectly natural right ? Essentially if I have nothing to do I will think about my own death a lot and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. Sometimes I feel like Harry from when Harry met sally mainly because I read the last page of a book first. I don't know if thinking about my own death is normal or not and there is no way I can just book an eye test to just find out and get it out of the way.I full well know I should stop having a major panic about this but it has to be good to be papered. Moving on to the fault it our stars it was a pretentious book and the movie accentuated how pretentious it was the cigarette metaphor made me move angry in the movie than the book. But and I like with the book I did question why when they went to Amsterdam they did not get high , I mean who does that ? I know that I could not deal with cancer if I had like the teenagers in fault in our stars. , but I guess when you get sick or whatever you just deal with it like everything else in life.  I think mainly if I was or is it were to die suddenly now I would be depressed that I have spent 3 years doing a degree I hate and not what I want to do.

19/06/2014- The way of an artist

Yesterday was nothing short of terrible my Mum spent a solid 6 hours shouting at me for no apparent reason. Well I actually think the reason was I said I would not go to the dentist BUT WHO IN THE WORLD LIKES THE DENTIST ??? . No one in their right mind like going to the dentist and on top of that you have to pay money to go to the dentist and money is a thing that I lack at the moment. But my parents want me to stop neglecting my teeth so badly they offered to pay , which does not make me sing for joy. Anyway after being shouted at for a good 6 hours about not taking due care of my teeth , my mum gave me the book An Artists Way. Which is supposed to contain exercises that help to free up and enhance your creativity. The first thing that unsettled me about this book was the high frequency that the word GOD appeared. I for one am not sold on God and religion so that was my first issues with the book. My second issue with the book is that it recommends that you  write 3 PAGES of your thoughts every morning. I struggle to write a page for this blog/journal etc. How is writing 3 pages of my thoughts supposed to  help me rediscover my creative ability , I have no clue ? But then I had a light bulb moment. I that do think too much about things I shouldn't really spend so much time thinking about. So I need to stop myself drifting of  into day dreams of event that will never occur to free my mind and let me become the artist I can be. So I will attempt to follow the artists way but I feel that I can edit the content of the book to suit my needs. Because writing 3 pages of prose in the morning is unrealistic for most people so I am going to see the book as a rough guide in order to rediscover my creative ability that I lost somewhere growing up.

17/06/2014

I’m starting to write this post in Microsoft word because as usual the internet DOES NOT WORK. This is a typical occurrence in my parent’s house so I must remember to copy and paste this at some point in time. For some reason I feel like my life has been really hectic recently even though it probably hasn’t. I did a trial shift at a local café and I think it went okay (touch wood and crossing all my fingers ) so I might be employed by the end of the month.  Apart from this I have finished binge watching Game of thrones and House of Cards then I obviously started watching Orange is the new black. Because who am I kidding my life revolves around the next big thing on TV or netfilx. 

But anyway on the weekend I had to attend another awkward family gathering and to say the least the atmosphere in the room wasn't one that is of excitement that is typically associated with a person’s birthday saying that my grandpa did turn 85 so I didn't expect it to be a mega rave.  I definitely would not describe my Dad’s family as close mainly because my grandpa has the emotional range of a rock. But I do know this for a fact I do not want to end up not speaking to my sisters and brother because even though we fight like cats and dogs they are great and I won’t let the family blueprint we have come between us as fully functioning adults.