Rambling - 29/08/2014

For some strange reason at the moment I feel compelled to write. I have never really had a feeling like this before. Writing is so easy in the 21^st century we have computers and word processing and spell check which means even a dyslexic like me can write. But being able to write and use words well is a talent a talent I long to have. Recently I read a book called the Opposite of loneliness. The woman who wrote was born to write her stories flowed in the way droplets of rain flow down a window. Other people were also born to do certain things Sylvia Plath was a born write, Mozart was born to compose music and Picasso was born to paint. These great people found their path in life young so of course they were masters in their fields. I now finally know what I want to do I want to write. Write and travel. So help me I will teach myself to write. I have been lacking direction and I have been as clueless as Cher about what I want to do with my days weeks and years. But finally I know now at 22. When I was a child I used to live with book and I read a huge amount of fiction. For the past few years I did not realise that I lost a part of myself because of workings of the world. I feel that I have years of reading to catch on. But I will and it will be beautiful. I feel that this thought process of mine is very self-centred and about what I want to do. I feel the word want is petulant and demanding but I have no clue what other words can replace it. I crave excitement and adventures which are probably the reason I want to write .To I have the sensations and experiences I desire to have. But the more sensible logical part of my brain says that this is impractical and I should just settle in life. But I am not a settler. I may not become Xenia the warrior princess or be a queen of a Amazon tribe but I will live life to its fullest extent.    

The tortoise and the hare-19/08/2014

The morale of the story in the tortoise and was hare was that slow and steady ultimately wins the race. Recently it has occurred to me this morale is true. It has dawned on me that if I want to do well in the future I need to take my time and plan it carefully instead of jumping straight into situations. I need to teach myself to go slowly even though it takes more effort to do so. I feel that taking things slowly and as they come will improve the quality of my work. When I write or doing anything else for that matter I tend to just do it. I don’t go back and check and proof read what I have done to see if it makes sense or if I can make it better. Because that takes time and I don’t want to waste time doing something boring such as improving my work. I feel that if I take my time about what I do and say I will get along better in the future.

However although being a tortoise most of the time is good I know that I don’t want to become too meticulous about all the things I do because I want adventure and I want to take risks and have pudding before dinner. I want to be a tortoise most of the time but I need to keep in mind that sometimes being a hare can have its benefits as well.

Self respect - 30/07/2014

The days in the run up to my birthday always seem to slip by faster than normal, and this year is no different. Because in a few short days time I will officially be 22. I am not the biggest fan of birthdays because they remind me that I am another closer to death and I am not a child anymore so I can't delight in the birthday experience. But every year as my birthday draws neat I still find myself wondering what new experiences the year will hold and if it will be good or bad. I also try to set goals for the year ahead even though my planning skills are 0. So hear goes with the goal setting. 

1.) Respect myself - I went to a couple of art exhibition today. One of the exhibition  was called the human factor the pieces in the exhibition were sculptures of the human body , in various portions and presented in different ways highlighting how we are all human and we need to respect each other and the world around us. I then saw another exhibition about love which had a section on  self love. This reminded me that I need to not only love other humans but I need to love and respect myself as well and have confidence in my ability. 

2.) Self discovery and improvement - This year I want to improve myself by helping myself understand who I am by discovering what career I want to do for the rest of my life which I think I am nearly there with. 

3.) Change the world for the better- I want to have a positive impact on the world this year and however small that maybe because I don't help enough people.

4.) Really focus- I want to really focus on tasks and start carrying them out to the best of my ability because I tend change my mind and get distracted a lot. 

5.) Self expression - I want to get better at expressing myself to others both in writing and also my speech. I know for a fact I use the word like too much. So I aim stop saying like as much and learn about writing. 

I think that is enough goals to work on and maybe because I have wrote them down I will actually carry them out this time round. 

 

25/07/2014 - Sloth

In this world you have a multitude of different personalities and kinds of people, you get people who are self motivated and get up and go achieve big bright things and then you have the opposite people like me the dictionary definition of lazy.

The Oxford English dictionary defines lazy as -

1.unwilling to work or use energy.
2.showing lack of effort or care.
3.slow moving.

I feel that the first two are me in a nutshell. I am sure if the majority of the human race was an unmotivated and lazy as me then we would not have survived past the stone age, I do count myself lucky that I live in the 21st centenary as I would have not lived past my 5th birthday. I just did a quick Google search about laziness and Google informed me that people who are motivated are organised and plan out their days. This is the complete opposite of me who gets worked up about thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow let alone in a years time. I can not deal with thinking about the feature which is probably a whole other issue in its self.

I know full well that I should get my shit together and become a self motivated and fully functioning human being but I seem to have regressed back to childhood because I do not feel ready enough or papered enough to be an adult yet. I am essentially trying to press pause of my life but time waits for no man or woman.

But I do have a nice quote from a museum I went to

The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways ; the point is to change it  - Karl Marx

Lost my phone 19/07/2014

So I lost my phone and I am yet to buy a new one. This has made me feel that I am the ONLY person in the whole of the developed world who is not the owner of a mobile phone. Not being the owner of a mobile phone for the first time since I was 12 has not drastically changed the way I go about life. I feel I should be savoring every minute of not having a mobile phone but I'm still not attending to the world like I should be this is because I have my face in a book most of the time. But are there really any joys of not owning a mobile phone. I thought that with my lost phone I would get so much done I feel like I haven't done anything , then again I have gone through more books than normal but this is because I can't communicate with my friends so family time has increased 10 fold. Although I did not have the best phone in the world it did a good job of storing peoples numbers and getting texts and calls. Now I don't to worry about missing calls. The main things I have noticed about not having a mobile phone is that I don't really need one and life goes on with out one . I am also coming to respect people more for having to remember phone numbers hats to to them all. Another good thing about being phone-less is I don't have to be constantly connected to people who want to check up on me and no one can disturbed me when I want to be alone. But to top it all off not having a mobile phone has opened my eyes to how the world looks now. Everyone has there head bent and the majority of people most of the time are looking at some sort of screen on the go. People are so connected with their mobile phones I feel that babies are born with a government gift of a phone. When I do get a phone aging whenever that may be I will endeavor to leave it at home as much as possible.

29/06/2014 I don't have a title.

It turns out that searching for a job is not my thing, because I feel like its going on eternally. I did about a week of looking for employment and I have officially given up. So of course my parents won't leave me alone about getting a job now. One moment they say take it easy don't stress about finding a job then the next second bamm get a job right now or else.

This is my last summer of freedom before real grown up life begins this time next year if I'm lucky. Because there is the constant worry I will fail my exams to get into my final year at university. So its not like I have nothing hanging over my head already.

Being at home doing nothing but reading books is great my food is bought and cooked for me , I do help my mum with housework round the house because I am living in it and sometimes and I do offer to cook dinner so isn't that enough.

Essentially I just want to be left to my own devices I need very little money when I am at home I don't like buying loads of clothes because I don'y really need a lot of stuff.

I'm probably bored or depressed or something but I don't want to notice.

But the most worrying fact is I am just past caring. Because fundamentally life is not fair.

To be proactive you have to be a proactive person which I am definitely NOT, I am lazy and the sin I identify with most is sloth. Because sitting around all day is great. That is the kind of job I want to do., I don;t want to work for the man and be pushed about and given orders to. I want to be FREE.

I have been thinking a lot about moving to a commune but not a creepy one a cool one.

Its either that or by some miracle I get my degree (touch wood ) and move to New York that is my ultimate dream , which in all likelihood will never happen because I of my inactivity.

I just Googled searched UK communes I'm seriously thinking about it.

Capitalism stress me out.

I'll change my mind about it though.


   

20/06/2014-Death

Yesterday I saw The fault in our stars and it was precisely how I imagined it to be. But it also terrified me I'm supposed to get my eyes tested but watching the fault in our starts has made be worry that if I get an eye test the optician will find a brain tumor that will lead to my death. So now I convinced myself this will happen. It may be a little hypocritical, but these feelings are perfectly natural right ? Essentially if I have nothing to do I will think about my own death a lot and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. Sometimes I feel like Harry from when Harry met sally mainly because I read the last page of a book first. I don't know if thinking about my own death is normal or not and there is no way I can just book an eye test to just find out and get it out of the way.I full well know I should stop having a major panic about this but it has to be good to be papered. Moving on to the fault it our stars it was a pretentious book and the movie accentuated how pretentious it was the cigarette metaphor made me move angry in the movie than the book. But and I like with the book I did question why when they went to Amsterdam they did not get high , I mean who does that ? I know that I could not deal with cancer if I had like the teenagers in fault in our stars. , but I guess when you get sick or whatever you just deal with it like everything else in life.  I think mainly if I was or is it were to die suddenly now I would be depressed that I have spent 3 years doing a degree I hate and not what I want to do.