Lost my phone 19/07/2014

So I lost my phone and I am yet to buy a new one. This has made me feel that I am the ONLY person in the whole of the developed world who is not the owner of a mobile phone. Not being the owner of a mobile phone for the first time since I was 12 has not drastically changed the way I go about life. I feel I should be savoring every minute of not having a mobile phone but I'm still not attending to the world like I should be this is because I have my face in a book most of the time. But are there really any joys of not owning a mobile phone. I thought that with my lost phone I would get so much done I feel like I haven't done anything , then again I have gone through more books than normal but this is because I can't communicate with my friends so family time has increased 10 fold. Although I did not have the best phone in the world it did a good job of storing peoples numbers and getting texts and calls. Now I don't to worry about missing calls. The main things I have noticed about not having a mobile phone is that I don't really need one and life goes on with out one . I am also coming to respect people more for having to remember phone numbers hats to to them all. Another good thing about being phone-less is I don't have to be constantly connected to people who want to check up on me and no one can disturbed me when I want to be alone. But to top it all off not having a mobile phone has opened my eyes to how the world looks now. Everyone has there head bent and the majority of people most of the time are looking at some sort of screen on the go. People are so connected with their mobile phones I feel that babies are born with a government gift of a phone. When I do get a phone aging whenever that may be I will endeavor to leave it at home as much as possible.

29/06/2014 I don't have a title.

It turns out that searching for a job is not my thing, because I feel like its going on eternally. I did about a week of looking for employment and I have officially given up. So of course my parents won't leave me alone about getting a job now. One moment they say take it easy don't stress about finding a job then the next second bamm get a job right now or else.

This is my last summer of freedom before real grown up life begins this time next year if I'm lucky. Because there is the constant worry I will fail my exams to get into my final year at university. So its not like I have nothing hanging over my head already.

Being at home doing nothing but reading books is great my food is bought and cooked for me , I do help my mum with housework round the house because I am living in it and sometimes and I do offer to cook dinner so isn't that enough.

Essentially I just want to be left to my own devices I need very little money when I am at home I don't like buying loads of clothes because I don'y really need a lot of stuff.

I'm probably bored or depressed or something but I don't want to notice.

But the most worrying fact is I am just past caring. Because fundamentally life is not fair.

To be proactive you have to be a proactive person which I am definitely NOT, I am lazy and the sin I identify with most is sloth. Because sitting around all day is great. That is the kind of job I want to do., I don;t want to work for the man and be pushed about and given orders to. I want to be FREE.

I have been thinking a lot about moving to a commune but not a creepy one a cool one.

Its either that or by some miracle I get my degree (touch wood ) and move to New York that is my ultimate dream , which in all likelihood will never happen because I of my inactivity.

I just Googled searched UK communes I'm seriously thinking about it.

Capitalism stress me out.

I'll change my mind about it though.


   

20/06/2014-Death

Yesterday I saw The fault in our stars and it was precisely how I imagined it to be. But it also terrified me I'm supposed to get my eyes tested but watching the fault in our starts has made be worry that if I get an eye test the optician will find a brain tumor that will lead to my death. So now I convinced myself this will happen. It may be a little hypocritical, but these feelings are perfectly natural right ? Essentially if I have nothing to do I will think about my own death a lot and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. Sometimes I feel like Harry from when Harry met sally mainly because I read the last page of a book first. I don't know if thinking about my own death is normal or not and there is no way I can just book an eye test to just find out and get it out of the way.I full well know I should stop having a major panic about this but it has to be good to be papered. Moving on to the fault it our stars it was a pretentious book and the movie accentuated how pretentious it was the cigarette metaphor made me move angry in the movie than the book. But and I like with the book I did question why when they went to Amsterdam they did not get high , I mean who does that ? I know that I could not deal with cancer if I had like the teenagers in fault in our stars. , but I guess when you get sick or whatever you just deal with it like everything else in life.  I think mainly if I was or is it were to die suddenly now I would be depressed that I have spent 3 years doing a degree I hate and not what I want to do.

19/06/2014- The way of an artist

Yesterday was nothing short of terrible my Mum spent a solid 6 hours shouting at me for no apparent reason. Well I actually think the reason was I said I would not go to the dentist BUT WHO IN THE WORLD LIKES THE DENTIST ??? . No one in their right mind like going to the dentist and on top of that you have to pay money to go to the dentist and money is a thing that I lack at the moment. But my parents want me to stop neglecting my teeth so badly they offered to pay , which does not make me sing for joy. Anyway after being shouted at for a good 6 hours about not taking due care of my teeth , my mum gave me the book An Artists Way. Which is supposed to contain exercises that help to free up and enhance your creativity. The first thing that unsettled me about this book was the high frequency that the word GOD appeared. I for one am not sold on God and religion so that was my first issues with the book. My second issue with the book is that it recommends that you  write 3 PAGES of your thoughts every morning. I struggle to write a page for this blog/journal etc. How is writing 3 pages of my thoughts supposed to  help me rediscover my creative ability , I have no clue ? But then I had a light bulb moment. I that do think too much about things I shouldn't really spend so much time thinking about. So I need to stop myself drifting of  into day dreams of event that will never occur to free my mind and let me become the artist I can be. So I will attempt to follow the artists way but I feel that I can edit the content of the book to suit my needs. Because writing 3 pages of prose in the morning is unrealistic for most people so I am going to see the book as a rough guide in order to rediscover my creative ability that I lost somewhere growing up.

17/06/2014

I’m starting to write this post in Microsoft word because as usual the internet DOES NOT WORK. This is a typical occurrence in my parent’s house so I must remember to copy and paste this at some point in time. For some reason I feel like my life has been really hectic recently even though it probably hasn’t. I did a trial shift at a local café and I think it went okay (touch wood and crossing all my fingers ) so I might be employed by the end of the month.  Apart from this I have finished binge watching Game of thrones and House of Cards then I obviously started watching Orange is the new black. Because who am I kidding my life revolves around the next big thing on TV or netfilx. 

But anyway on the weekend I had to attend another awkward family gathering and to say the least the atmosphere in the room wasn't one that is of excitement that is typically associated with a person’s birthday saying that my grandpa did turn 85 so I didn't expect it to be a mega rave.  I definitely would not describe my Dad’s family as close mainly because my grandpa has the emotional range of a rock. But I do know this for a fact I do not want to end up not speaking to my sisters and brother because even though we fight like cats and dogs they are great and I won’t let the family blueprint we have come between us as fully functioning adults. 

16/06/2014- Out of the loop.

Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in the early 2000's. I don't have a smart phone and the internet connection in my parents house is terrible. I sometimes feel that the world in moving so quickly and I can't keep up. But other times I like being left behind , because it keeps me centered. Everything these days involves technology to some extent, and I know it helps to connect us and keep us together. Most of the time when I am walking down the street I see little kids with better phones than me. The internet connection in my parents house is always down and I have to re connect to it so much it feels like I still have dial up. I find this both a blessing and a curse at the same time. The awful internet connection has forced me to go out into the world and give out CV's for what feels like my never ending job hunt. But on the flip side not keeping up with the world makes me feel like I am about 1 million steps behind people of my own age and older. This has been able to give me some perspective on the matter. And this is probably an issue that I shouldn't dwell on too much.  

10/06/2014- The date today

Whats the date today ? I am already losing track of time and its only day 4 or 5 maybe of my summer holidays. When I have nothing to do I just sit around and read. I did apply for some jobs so I am trying to change my situation. Although today my mum did point out that I haven't changed my personality or grew as a person since I was a teenager and she is most probably right as always. That brings me on to say I wish I had listened to the knowledge and wisdom mu mum has tried to impart upon me. But I am trying to listen to her now. As she keeps going on about being in control of my 'mind ' and she keeps telling me to say I CAN. So thanks mum I will try and keep those points in mind. Anyway apart from the motivational speeches and the job hunting , I've been riding on trains and visiting towns owned by the monarchy (my views on them could get me arrested).

Now I still have a whole 3 months of holiday stretching out like an abyss in front of me and I only have £80 left in my bank account so I need to up grade the job search to a code red and I need to stop myself going INSANE.